I'M SO CONFUSED

I have never been more confused by the media than I have in the last twenty-four hours.
It started late last night. I was up at a buddy’s house watching a little M2 (what MTV should still be) and I caught the video for GAY BAR by Electric Six. It’s a great video with multiple Abe Lincolns, all dancing and working out and might I say, being a little gay. It’s a video I’ve seen before and always get a little gitty whenever I see it. But this time was different. It was censored. When Abe says, “lets start a war, a nuclear war.” Both “War” and “Nuclear” were bleeped out. Now I don’t know why. Was it just the words? Did the idea of a pop song asking for war make the censors push their button? Or was it a combination of sound and picture? Was it too much since it was Abe Lincoln asking for war? Does it make a difference that Abe is wearing biker shorts, a tank top, his stove pipe hat and riding an exercise bike when saying such words?

I don’t know what factors came in to play, but Electric Six got bleeped.

Today, I cruised the net looking for movie news. I found three remakes that all make me a little uneasy. One is “The Bad News Bears” staring Billy Bob Thornton. Next, a new Herbie the Love Bug movie staring Lindsay Lohan. This one is called “Herbie: Fully Loaded”. That’s right. Our lovable love bug has gone EXTREME!! The last has me torn most of all and I’m sure most of you know which one I’m thinking of. It’s Tim Burton’s “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.” Now I love Burton, but he seems to be getting almost pompous in his recent movies. I don’t need to argue the merits of the original. And now with the huge sales of DVDs, we don’t have to worry about a generation missing this classic. But for some reason Mr. Burton thinks he can do a better job.

Sorry, I just threw up a little.

And just tonight, I saw a commercial for the new American version of the British sitcom, “The Office.” I hit the wall when I saw this. How dare they? I’m so mad. I’ve tried to call my brother three times since I saw the commercial and he’s not answering his phone. I can only assume that he saw the same ad and threw his phone against the wall.

What is happening? Are all the original thinkers being squashed by global capitalism? Maybe I should switch my major to some kind of intellectual regurgitation? Or maybe I should just hide in a cave and watch shadows move over the walls, I’m sure it would be just as interesting as today’s media.