I read the news today. Oh boy.

I can't afford comic books lately (sob) so my casual reading has taken the form of Internet headlines. Here are Mr. Chair's news story picks of the day.

Would-be reality show never to air. Reveals ugly Texan racism

"The series was pulled before its scheduled Sunday broadcast after it was suggested the elimination game violated the Fair Housing Act."

Apparently the first two minutes were packed with racist potshots. I can't wait until this is leaked on BitTorrent. Anything that bolsters my theory that nothing good comes from Texas is good TV, y'all.

Lightning strikes, injures 9 at Colorado lake

Four were sent to the hospital. This happened minutes after a press conference about a recent fatal boat wreck. I wouldn't go to this lake anymore, but I'd kill to have seen this:

"The force of the bolt knocked beachgoers to the ground, sent swimmers running for cover and set off car alarms at a nearby parking lot."

Divorce makes women happier than men

"Divorce makes men feel devastated, confused, betrayed and even suicidal; while women are more likely to feel relieved, liberated and happy following a split, according to a report published today .... men are more prone than women to find solace in drinking. They are also more likely to go back to an old flame, have casual sex or join a dating agency .... 'The differences between men and women's emotional experience of divorce is startling; women simply appear to be stronger than men throughout a break-up and afterwards.'"

This is the most fascinating, but least surprising news I read today. Every man I've discussed this with has the same reaction: "Yeah, that sounds about right." The study shows women can work, be fairly happy and otherwise function fine during and after a breakup. Bolstering my other theory that men are more emotionally fragile, and are simply shit without women.

NASA hurls washing machine at comet

"Images showed a huge explosion on the comet -- possibly the equivalent to five tons of TNT."

Considering the crap we're doing at managing this planet, I'm nearly ready to accept that NASA is pretty much a massive waste of money. I think this mission, however, is brilliant and just plain cool. The equivalent to interplanetary petty vandalism. That said, if I were a religious man, I'd say hucking shit at comets is a good way to piss off the gods.

Americans 540 percent more likely to eat mayonnaise-based foods today than any other day

I have no idea what this says about Americans. Face's dad thinks that somewhere, Al Qaeda is targeting our potato salad stockpiles. Mmm. I do love potato salad.

Teen killed for his iPod

I'm not saying this is okay ... but I understand.

"Authorities believe that most robbers kept the devices, which can retail for about $100 to $500, for personal use rather than selling them."

And finally news from the 1970s that Face's dad told me about, which I found too incredible to not post:

Japanese soldier surrenders nearly 30 years after WWII ends

"Eating coconuts and bananas and deftly evading searching parties he believed were enemy scouts, Onoda hid in the jungle until he finally emerged from the dark recesses of the island on March 19, 1972."

Also, please post what you consider the worst Beatles song. I'm in the mood for some bashing of those overrrated mop-headed jerks. I'll reveal the only correct answer later.