The week in Nature

13-foot python tries to eat 6-foot gator

Are you kidding? Some stupid fucking snake tried to eat an alligator whole?
What in the munchies was going through that snake's mind? That's like Mr. Chair trying to eat Hondo. Or Face devouring a genetically freaky Colfax. I ate 83 shrimp, a steak, salad and toast once. Boy that was a bad idea. Imagine the shit that would've come out the other end of that snake if it'd succeeded.


Chimp kicks smoking habit

There's hope for everybody. Of course, the fact the chimp started smoking in the first place just proves how cool smoking is. I would totally give a monkey a cigarette. Or a joint! That'd crack me up. Drunk dogs are one thing, but stoned chimps would be priceless. Unless they got the munchies and tried chowing down on an alligator.


Holy Squid! Photos Offer First Glimpse of Live Deep-Sea Giant

Now let's really get crackin' on the Lock Ness Monster.


Researchers Reconstruct 1918 Pandemic Influenza Virus

Isn't this Michael Crichton territory? Cue heroic scientist Jeff Goldblum character. Cue morally ambiguous lab boss. Cue some Bill Paxon like jackass as president. Cue all-too sexy mid-level whistleblower. Cue shrieking masses. Cue massive unintended consequences and insipid moral to close it all out. Cue a rabidly infected python trying to eat an alligator.